I have searched everywhere. She is nowhere to be found. I started by following a pattern, a grid, asking neighbors, friends, trying to retrace her steps. Then I began following my spirit. She was, is, my first love, my heart, I can feel her in my gut, my heart, my naval. I try to see without seeing, blurring my vision, not seeing with my eyes. I should be able to pick up the scent of her, not a scent, but something allusive and ethereal like scent, like an aura, showing me the path that she took. I vibrate. No, it’s not vibration, it’s anxiety, fear, that creates this shaking. It is constant, under my skin, deep, in the muscle, imperceptible to the eye, but there, it get’s deeper as the longer this goes on. I wonder if it will go in further, into my core, my heart if I don’t find her, if she is dead. What will it feel like? Like a black hole that spreading outward or gripping pain? Or more like nothing, numbness? Never mind. She is an old woman, who wandered away from home. It is simple. Someone has to have seen her. I will find her.
The call to leave has been getting stronger. For months? Years? Yes, years I think. It started so softly. It’s so easy to dismiss these types of things. Even I who has tried to get rid of all excess chatter dismissed it.
